I Am Not Her

Sometimes I feel so unworthy. I know it’s because I’m not who I WAS, and that’s scary. I was the bible girl in school. I was committed and faithful. THE example to others in HOW to walk with Christ. I basically lived at church and was a leader within the youth program. I was proud of the person I was.  I felt I was doing exactly what God’s child should do.

And it’s painful to admit, but I’m not her anymore.

I’ve lost it. I’ve lost a lot of who I was due to time, circumstances and pain. I know that I’ve changed because my life has changed. But, what worries me the most? I fear my heart has changed, and that’s affected my walk with You. I can sit in church and feel a song that moves me, but hold back the tears. Is it fear that makes me not show my emotion? I see old friends that knew the old me, the faithful me, and I avoid them because I’m not even sure who I am anymore. And what will they think of the me that I don’t even know?

I’m not sure of who I am because I’m not sure of what I’m living for. I’m NOT married. I’m NOT a mom. I’m NOT a wonderful Christian. I’m NOT a faithful servant in so many ways, and it’s honestly terrifying. I’m not all of these things that I once was or planned to be and now I’m just lost in who I AM.

When I think of who I AM I think about the things that consume my time, not the things that define who I AM as a being. I dance, I teach, I play with my nieces and nephews, I go on coffee dates (because let’s be real… they can be as long...or as short… as they need to be). I play with my dog, and I talk to my sisters. All of these things take up my time, but they aren’t who I AM. So, who am I anymore? It’s so hard to say.

I’ve been asking myself this question for close to two years now. I think I’ve realized that I am lost, and now changed. I am not worthy enough to be married. I am not wise enough to know what my dreams are. I am not sensible enough to know who I am or what makes me happy. I am not strong enough to get over all the heartbreak. And I am not smart enough to learn from my past. I am just a mess.

I am a mess and I know it, and I think that’s okay. Sometimes when I miss the old me I think about all the things I used to do and how I acted. I’ve always loved kid movies, and I still do. One of my favorites growing up was The Prince of Egypt. I didn’t understand it then, but the scene where Moses sees and speaks to God through the burning bush keeps resonating within me.

The question, “Who am I?” that I seem to constantly ask myself makes me think of that scene because God says, “I AM THAT I AM.” I always remembered it as a child as, “I am who I say that I am.” Maybe that's how I need to remember now… “I am who I say that I am.”

It’s true. I am all of the things that I say that I am. “I am unworthy,” and so I am. “I am weak,” and so I am broken. “I am a mess,” and so I’m scattered. “I am unlucky,” and so I am luckless. “I am unlovable,” and so I’m not loved.

I am defining my worth, my value, every time I point out my flaws or the negative powers that seem to take over my life, my being. I am redefining who I AM with such a heartbreaking and dull shine.

But if I change it, if I change the narrative that I repeat constantly in my head, would my path change? Will the bleak and the bland transform into something more colorful in my life? All of these things that I say that I am, I say them enough that I believe it. I live it. I live it everyday and it doesn’t change.

So what if I change what I say, and who I say that I am? What then? What if I’m not that girl that no one wants or loves? What if I remind myself that I AM HER, the daughter of Christ. He is truth. He is life. He Is the Great I AM. His word is what I should be speaking over my life.  What if I am not consumed by what I think I am but remember whose I am. And I AM His.

If I say I am strong, will I be stronger? If I say that I am blessed, will I see the blessings before me? If I say I am lovable, will I believe it? If I give myself the grace that God’s given me, can I see myself through the lense of forgiveness and strength as He does?

If I think that I am weak, the I AM is my strength. If I feel unloved, the I AM will be my comfort. If I am heartbroken, the I AM will open my eyes to the blessings before me and give me the ability to see the people who love me. The I AM is the light that I need in my life to burn out all the demons that hide in the shadows of my heart and brain. The I AM is who I need when it seems I’ve been living in a shadow of despair and darkness.

I’ve heard it time and time again… “you’re your own worst critic.” We see the flaws in ourselves that others would never notice, unless you’ve pointed them out. A blemish, a wrinkle, an almost trip going up the stairs. We...I… need to start seeing myself from the view of God, through His eyes. He knows we make mistakes, but we need to look beyond those and focus more on our positive and appealing characteristics. Yes, I’ve messed up, but I’ve grown and learned from those mistakes. Yes, I’ve been left by a man, but I’m still loved. Yes, I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I have the options to choose for myself.

I am all that He say that I am, and He says that I AM worthy. I AM beautiful. I AM made in His image and that I AM loved.

I AM a mess, but I’m a beautiful mess and sometimes the mess needs to just sit there until you can take the time to truly handle it. There are things about me that will forever remain. I will always lose my keys and my phone. I can bet that I’ll always wait way too long to put my laundry away. And I’m ALWAYS going to eat that cookie. But, I AM also kind and giving. I AM a person who can forgive and move forward. I AM a dreamer and a believer, and a goal setter and achiever. And I’ve got to love myself in all this mess and own who I am.

People change, but knowing who you want to be and working towards that give you the power to choose for yourself who you are. I’ve handled so many negative things with the best grace I could muster up, but I was still left very broken and scarred. It’s time to take all the negative ideas about myself and rid them of my heart, it can’t take much more. I am not her, the girl that's hurt and bruised. The girl who is simply lost and wandering. I am not her because she’s not who I want to be. I may not be the same girl from my past, but I am who I say that I am and so, I AM strong. I AM a beautiful mess. I AM trying. And most importantly…

God said that I am loved, and so I AM.

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  • Ashley Ludy on

    Wow !!!! This really spoke to me !!! To my heart …. I have sat feeling the same way you feel not knowing who I am outside of just being a mother ….. it’s scary at times to look at your life and what you had planned for it and then 10 years have past and your no where close to where you thought you would be or who you thought you would be …. but that’s when I’ve had to take a step back and see that my plan is so small compared to what plan God has for my life …. everything we go thought is something that is going to make us grow make us become who we are made to be …. and shape us into the person!

  • karin terrell on

    Yes, my dear, you are all that!! Beautiful, wonderfully made, bright, compassionate, loving, kind, forgiving, oh so forgiving…honest. You are unique and determined!! God is with you…seek Him…your life will be indescribable!! I admire your tenacity and strength.

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